Monday, February 15, 2010
My fear monster is back. The nagging little tug that pulls these strings and teeters between almost forgetting what happened last night and then remembering and having this fear pierce through my heart. Making me want to find that little 7 year old of mine and not let him out of my sight. Last night another seizure came. It lasted about 5 minutes. It was awful & scary. We held him, and felt helpless and we watched Jack's lips turn blue, his face grey, and him be totally unaware that we were there. Watching as he seemed to be choking on his tongue, wishing there was something~anything we could do to stop it. After it was done, he passed out. We carried him to our bed...and watched. Wanting to sleep...wishing I could get the ugly fear to stop replaying the seizure in my head. Telling myself....He will be o.k., far more children~have it far worse, this seizure could've been longer~more severe. Praying for him. But then giving way to tears...again. Glad for once to listen to Jack snore~knowing he's sleeping peacefully. And listening to his daddy snore beside him, knowing he got it from him. It has been 6 months since he has had a seizure. I wrote about it here.
Our Neurologist has told us when his seizures are over 10 minutes that we should call 911~ under that time frame to keep him home and follow up with him the next day. Which is what we did today. He changed Jack's medication and increased the dosage. We follow up with the Dr. for bloodwork in 2 weeks and again in 6 weeks. The triggers are many~we suspect that it was because he was over-tired and exahusted. It was around 11 p.m. when he got to bed.
I need your prayers if you can support me that way. I'm trying to balance healthy concern and fear. Letting go and letting him return to normal everyday activities. Letting him be in the basement to play with his sister, letting him go off to school in the morning, and this little guy has a birthday party this Friday to go to for his best friend. Wanting him to go and not all at the same time. Wanting to let go and let God be God~Wanting to let Him strengthen me, and refine me. But letting my fear get the best of me at times.