Tuesday, January 17, 2012

conflicting emotions

This past Friday we had a SNOW DAY!!!  No school Saturday and Sunday....followed by no school Monday because of Martin Luther King day.  WHOO HOO!!  For not having to set an alarm 4 days in a row.  When the kids were younger the thought of 4 days off & them all home kinda set me into a state of hives.  I love them...but trying to keep them all busy when it's so cold outside is hard.  Can I get an Amen?

But as they grow...I find this task easier and easier by the year.  Now I welcome Christmas break, for more than just not setting an alarm.  They are changing.  Or am I?

So Monday morning I got ambitious.  We got the house cleaned up and I decided rather than wait until they are at school...we were going for a grocery and Target run.  With all 4.  All but one of the kids were excited~I won't mention any names. 

They did so well in Target.  I'm entering a new phase where if they stick together in 2's I will let them be in the store a little without me right in the same isle.  The boys can go to the electronics & the girls find the book department or some other girly place to look.  It actually was an enjoyable trip.  Shocked and pleased.

So after that I decided we should grab some lunch before I spend another hour in a store.    

So we went to Wendy's.  When we pulled into the parking lot and actually parked, I got some pretty wrinkled eyebrows.  WHAT??? We're eating inside the restaurant????  Suzy said, "OH THANK YOU MOM!!!"  Oppsie.  I guess we're characterized by drive thru's.  Sad but true.

I felt like a super hero to be eating in and them excited about it.  AND I let them each get their own frosty!  Did I mention we splurged and shared a fry?

So we are sitting down with our food, and I notice a grandma with her granddaughter eating their lunch at a nearby table.  The little girl had a happy meal and the conversation was about her pre-school and how she likes it.  The grandma was really into her little granddaughter.

And then my eyes filled with water. 

I think part of it came from longing & some came from just attending my uncle's funeral the day before. 

Isabella was sitting across the table from me and said, "mom are your eyes really dry or are those tears?"

I told her, "It's so silly.  But I miss my mom~I miss her not knowing how cool you guys are." I thought to myself silly to me~because why have tears NOW in the middle of Wendy's when my heart is so full of these kids who are so fun to be with?  So blessed by a great day out on the town with them.  So happy to be their mama. How can it hit me like this....when it hasn't for months??  How can you be filled with such conflicting emotions?

And then Isabella's eyes filled and she told me, "Mom! That's not silly at all!"

Oh my goodness. Complete and utter compassion & empathy for my loss.  And then she did what any sweet 11 year old would do.  She handed me her frosty and offered me some. 

At this point all 4 kids were staring at me and I went on to explain to them how much Grandma Faye would've loved being them grandma.  I imagine she would've taken them to lunch all by themselves and treated them to some one on one time.   
And how much and completely she would've loved them.  And I told them that one day they will get to meet her in Heaven. 

And then Suzy says, "And what if you get there before I do~then I will see you too."  Her and her little 5 year old logic.

Jack pipes up and says, "SUZY!  That's saying that mom will die before you.~Don't make her feel worse." 

At this point the tears keep rolling with laughing and I desperately just want the tears to stop but they don't.  I love these kids.  They make me so full.  Even when my heart is a little sore.


Lynette Miller said...

thank you for sharing,Heather. I know a little how you feel (loss of mother in law). You are so sweet and such a good mama! ;)

Sugar Grove Women's Ministry said...

Thanks for being vulnerable, Heather! I understand the hole that the loss of ones mother leaves and those unexpected tears that seem to appear from nowhere, sometimes at the most inopportune times. I did not experience such great loss at the tender age that you did, but just lost my precious mother 3 1/2 years ago when she was only 60 after caring for her during a long battle with ALS (Ironically, I just witnessed the wedding ceremony of my father this past Saturday, who was married to my mother for 41 years. Ugh! Talk about hard!). I often think about the "moments" that Mom will never share with us, but it makes me so, so anxious for Heaven! I long for Heaven more every day.

My Life said...

Awwww Heather....tears roll endlessly...I know this feeling all to well....missing my daughter Haley comes and grabs me and I dont' know why but recently I woke up early,and got my coffee and was thrilled with the idea of actually having some quiet time and out of nowhere I started crying....longing to know her and see her as a soon to be 10 year old. Longing for the conversations we would be having at that age and wondering what she would look like. I have been feeling all the emotion of a woman who is met with the fact that I am getting older on my way to 37 and realizing that my days to mother small ones is quickly disappearing. That coupled with my everyday feelings of Haley just hit me head on with no warning. It has happened before but usually not this hard. but seeing a girl about her age or hearing a mother talking to her daughter and being able to love and hold someone you can't physically possibly do it so incredibly hard. But I have learned that grief meerly sits and waits, it doesn't really disappear it wanders in and out of your life like waves. Sometimes you can run away from the waves and sometimes they come crashing into you and knocking you off your feet. I love ya girl...I share your conficting emotions as I know How lucky I am to have been given the ability to have to healthy girls and that God remembers in my greif to give me tremendous joy to help stand strong when those waves hit me. Hugs!! :)

Grandma Ruby said...

Heather, dear girl, so glad you could have such a nice day with your children and feel their sympathy and love. Your mom would be so proud of you. Glad you could be real with them. And so sorry for the hole in your heart that will always be there until you see your dear mother. I'll pray that you can feel love, not loss. Love you, Aunt Ruby

Jewel said...

Oh, Heather, you are an amazing lady & mother! You have such 4 amazing beautiful thoughtful children! Thanx for sharing your "conflicting emotions!" I love everything what your Aunt Ruby said.

Mary said...

I know.