Monday, November 24, 2008

this might seem familiar to you or else create an ugly picture of me.

Tonight we had a scheduling conflict. I neglected to write on the calendar that I had mom's group tonight and Donovan also committed to playing in a volleyball game tonight. Filling in for a friends' volleyball team that needed one person as a fill in. My mom's group consists of my little friends and I meeting once a month to have a snack (supper-depending on who's hosting) and talk about parenting, relationships with our kids, etc. A great way to bounce things off of each other and vent too. I've been doing this with these ladies for about 6 years. I knew right away I couldn't throw a fit about needed time away/night out on this night...because he was playing volleyball with our friends on a league. Because really, how embarrassing would it be if my husband had to call our friends and say, "uhhh, my wife won't let me come out to play." And it was just a little late to get a babysitter to come and stay with the kids and put them to bed, baths, etc.

So the husband comes to me in the kitchen about an hour before it's time for him to go, after I cancelled my shin-dig and says, "wow, honey thanks so much for taking over tonight so I could go out tonight." I might have responded...."Really, Did I have a choice? Because I wouldn't want to look like a brat in front of our friends." Wow....He thought that I was doing it because I knew that he would enjoy a night out with friends, playing a sport he loves. I might have responded, "Really after 10 years you don't know me better that that?? " I just didn't want him to call our friends and tell them I wouldn't let him go. So here I go broadcasting it for the whole world I know. Somehow it's a sick pleasure I have to show people how human I am. But really it was hard for me. I feel like I need the time away even more than him. Because really.... doesn't he get to go away all day?? Donovan might have the argument that it's actually a little thing called "work" I usually respond..."uhhhh....but does that "work" include cleaning diarrhea out of panties?" Because that was my job description today. Also in the job description today... taking 2 small children with me to an eye Dr. appointment and then grocery shopping. Filling a sippy cup while on the phone, while driving. --Might have been an error in judgement on that last one. While I understand our job descriptions are very different...sometimes I just think he should think it's fun to come home and have a change of pace. And while I know it is fun for him to come home to us, I forget he needs time out with friends too. I'm sure he will be better for it. Better in the way of blowing steam off about his annoying wife, who hardly let's him go out to play. I know he gives me plenty nights away, please don't send me hate mail. I know I'm blessed. He esp. gave me many nights out during the newborn years of our children, when nursing felt more like a ball and chain rather than a bonding experience for me.

I'm just wondering how do you handle letting your husband out to play?

And P.S. Brooke...don't feel bad for one second. It's not personal one bit. He needed this time out....I hadn't let him out to play for years. He was thrilled, I know he's having fun.


Sarah said...

Heather, you're so funny! You hadn't let him out for years to play???? Then I'd say it's about time! Aren't you the submissive wife and kisser of your husband's back-side? Put your big-girl panties on and suck it up! Do you think you're special or what? I love your blog and appreciate your honesty! Really now, I am only giving you the crap you wanted to hear! It sounds a lot like a daughter of mine who I know needs time out with her friends as well! It is good for the both of you to have time out with your friends! It is frustrating when the kids are small to have time alone with friends and each other, but love the time you have with your kids teaching them, reading to them, just showering them with your love because b-4 you know will be you & Donovan again all alone! I LOVE IT & I think you will too!
Love you ~ Sarah

RosyRose said...

oh this is so tricky! It is so hard to lay down and just be genuinly happy for them even when you really don't want to!
Its like "yeah, you can go but I want to punish you just a little bit."
Sometimes I like to just ask myself "what would I do if he responded to me in the same way....?" Ahh, the answer to that would be: I would be mad as hops at him for not appreciating all I do!
Thanks for your honesty! I am sure there are many of us who can identify! You're a great mama and wife! Hang in there babe!
p.s. by the way yes dear, I knew the celeb:)

Kim said...

I agree with Rose too. It is so hard after they have been gone all day, to LET them go out at night. Especially after a day like we as Stay At Home Moms sometimes have. I feel like Roger & I are both getting better at it though. We don't make each other feel as bad as we used to. It's hard!

Stacey said...

Hi Heather! Miss you! (we really should actually meet, HA!) I could have written this post myself! I feel the same way! Not sure what the answer is, or if there even IS an answer. I just know when Tommy isn't home in the evening, the poor kids go to bed REALLY early! :)

livewithfive said...

I can totally relate to this. My husband's job requires him to be gone many evenings - leaving me alone once again with the kids. It's hard not to make him feel guilty for this. I would have had a hard time being happy about him going "out to play", especially if it meant me giving up a night out on my own.

You did the right thing - and if your marriage is like mine, he will probably turn around and do something special for you because you did for him.

BTW - I can also relate to nursing feeling like a ball and chain. I am currently nursing a baby and counting down the months until I am free again - then I'll probably be just a little sad that its all over.

Holly said...

Tell Donovan to chalk one up for himself! Then he can mark it on the calendar I am going to get him for Christmas! ha ha ha That's right, he does get a night out here & there too sister! I like how Sarah put it "Put your big-girl panties on & suck it up!" It's ok 'cuz we get more night out than he could ever dream of! So, you just gotta give a little sometimes! Even though you gave up a long running scheduled night out with the mommas club that only happens once a month, you did very good on giving a little. You know he feels very blessed & is very thankful for you & all you do! He knows he's one lucky guy!

Ben and Morgan said...

Hey heather, I hope you don't mind that I added your blog on my blog as a favorite...I just LOVE your blog especially the quotes of the days! you seem like such a great mommy and again I just love reading about your family! I hope you guys have a great Thanksgiving!

Ben and Morgan said...

Heather, I hadn't read your latest post when I commented earlier, but THANK YOU, Seriously it is so incredibly weird that you posted that because I SWEAR I was JUST thinking the exact same way as you last night, granted I only have 2 children and you have 4 but I couldn't agree more with everything you said, Ben went to play in a Basketball league last night and I was stuck home again not doing anything and when he sometimes looks at me crazy when I get mad at him and tell him he gets to be away all day he explains "BUT ITS WORK..." and I (think to myself) and what is it that I do all day? And the breastfeeding thing...yeah been doing that for 2 yrs now...BALL AND CHAIN couldn't explain it better, but then I have to think how awesome it is for my children and how lucky I am that it works for me (some women their babies not taking to it and all) and again, I know I am blessed too but somedays you just need to know someone else (one street away) is dealing with the same problems! THANK YOU for that post!!! I feel soo much better! :)

cheryl said...

I can't say it's familiar, but I can also say that it doesn't paint an ugly picture of you. We all have things we like to do and things we do (or don't do) because it's the right thing or honestly it's the thing that will make us just look bad. I understand that part of it. Thanks for the honesty. I hope you have a great Thanksgiving!!!

Sherri said...

Well, I'm in the "this might seem familiar to you" category too. In fact, Kevin and I just had this conversation recently in our S.S. class at church. The topic...Deer hunting on Sunday afternoons. :)

Looking forward to seeing you this weekend.

Brooke said...

Heather...i really should be upstair getting the baby out of bed to go to grandma's for Thanksgiving...but instead, i'm reading your blog! all i can say is "keep on speaking the truth!" You know we've all been there with our hubbies! (even if we don't always admit it!) It's not fun to share with the world that you don't have a perfect marriage and that this perfect man and woman that got married to each other aren't so perfect after all! ( I hope you know that i'm speaking about us and not you!) But what is so funny to me is that you probably had just a hint of seriousness when you asked if it was ok to send all of the kids along with Donovan to the game! HA! Anyway, the baby is crying so i do need to go (daddy's sitting out in a tree stand as we speak) but I'm not bitter...NOT BITTER AT ALL...i love getting all of the kids ready by myself! Can you tell that i have absolutely no advice for you in this area cause i obviously struggle with it myself! Unfortunately...I'd probably encourage you to really give it to him! You know...let him hear it!(Oops...sorry Donovan)

Heather of the EO said...

From one Heather to another-
we must have something in the meaning of our name that makes us keep it real at all times. I LOVE your honesty! I have so many friends that feel this exact same way. I do too. I don't say anything most of the time, since my husband doesn't go out much either, but I secretly resent that he just got home from work and then is leaving again. I don't like it about myself. I have to take a deep breath and get perspective since he goes to play so rarely. I wish selflessness came more easily for me! :)