a 23 year old note

This past April just a couple of days before Easter I was felling very lonely for my mom who died when I was 13.  I'm not sure what triggered the emptiness but it was strong and I remember laying in bed talking to Donovan about who she was & what she was like.  We've talked many times about her, because he never met her.  They say that time heals and I think that is very true.  But once in a while I ache to talk to her, to ask her why she waited 8 years between her 1st and 2nd babies.  How was it to have her 2nd & 3rd thirteen  months apart? What was it like to go through nursing school?  How did she like being away from home for the first time while in college in Ft. Wayne?  I also wondered how on earth she coped when she got the news that she had terminal cancer, and had 3 daughters who would grow up without a mom~and leaving her husband.  There are times when I ache so badly to smell her and hear her voice again. 

And then on Easter Sunday after we finished lunch at my Aunt Fran & Uncle Paul's (my mom's youngest brother) my aunt came over and stood right in front of me and said, "I have something for you." While holding an envelope.  She hesitated and showed me the writing on the envelope.  I FROZE.  It was my mom's handwriting.  In a sealed envelope.  She told me that she had had it for a while and didn't want to mail it when she found it weeks earlier.  She came across it in some piles of papers that had been stored away. 

I could feel myself shake with awe & tear up with emotion to have such a gift.

At first I thought it was a note to open at a certain season of my life...some family members thought she would do that for us girls since she knew that she was going to die.  But as I read the words I realized that it must have been written while she was at U of M receiving chemo or some other cancer treatment. 

Her words she had written some 20 + years ago seemed so relevant to my very feelings I had been have of missing her the previous days.  She wrote "I love you! I miss you.  I'm glad your having a good time @ Fran's.  ( I must have been spending the week/weekend at my Aunt & Uncles~which I did a lot while she was in the hospital) You are my sweetheart!!  I have an IV & another black & blue spot.  But they're giving me good pain medication.  I slept good last night.  Help Fran do some work! Aren't you glad you're not @ Jackie's! I heard about your shopping trip to get groceries!!  Love you more than the whole world! Mom"

WOW~Even though it was written so long ago...I like to think that Jesus let me hear from her a little from  Heaven.  I'm not sure if he operates like that...but it was like salve on an open wound.  I love that it said "I miss you." and "I'm glad you're having a good time at Fran's" Which I was...it is always very special to be included in a family Holiday.  We often celebrate birthday's and holiday's with my Aunt Fran & Uncle Paul just as I had done grow up as a little girl.  So being there on Easter is a tradition and it would be cool to think that maybe she could get a glimpse of me and my husband and children.  Maybe, just maybe God let her have a looksie to see us....I like to think she would be glad to see we have a place to be on a special holiday.  

 

 

I'm not sure what she was talking about when she wrote..."aren't you glad you're not @ Jackies?" :) But the part where she wrote "I love you more than the whole world" reminded me that I was dear to her...and given the chance no matter how deep & wide her love for me....I'm sure she would never

 trade Heaven to be on earth.

So if she can see and or read from heaven....I have a little note for her.

Dear Mom, I love you.  I miss you!!  I have so many unanswered questions and things I can't wait to talk to you about one day in Heaven.  I want to thank you for the memories you made for us while we were little.  I have vivid remembrances of how you made birthday's and Christmas' so special.  I trying to duplicate some of those things for my own children, your grandchildren. I tell them about you....I named our 2nd daughter after you, giving her your name for her middle name.  I think you would be proud of her and how she is learning to write and spell "Faye"  I can imagine if you were here you would gobble all 4 of your grandchildren up and kiss them as much as I like to.  I know you would love Donovan and be proud of the husband he is to me.  He is Godly and treats me so well. 
I'm thankful that you made Jesus a part of our everyday life when we were little.  That is the reason I have peace~when I miss you so badly...because I have the promise of Heaven.  I love you mom.  I love you more than the whole world. xoxox!  Heather